The Big House?

by: "Cool" Andrew Mathews

So I turned 15 last week, and Ben gave me a $25 gift card for Best Buy. Shit Yeah!! I mean, Best Buys comps are nothing but crap and their service is completely stupid-O as shit, but it’s still $25!!! I saw him a week later, and he asked me what I bought. Used it towards my BioShock layaway, BEEEEEEOOOTTCCHHHH!!!!!! I said. (Billy at school got me into saying that BEEEOOTTTCHHHHHH!!!!! It’s like saying bitch but really long and loud. I always say it on WoW when I pwn someone. Like pwned, BEEEEOTTTCCHHHH!!!!) And he said ‘whatever nerd’ and breathed his beer breath on me. Ugh. So I knew he was going to ask me for something in return, like to fix his stupid computer again or something, but of course he asked me to write a stupid article for his stupid webpage.

Actually he told me to write him an article or ‘I'm going to break your fucking fingers, BEEEOOOTTTCHHHH!!!!!’

Wow, so here I am.

So I asked my mom last week about Chuck again, and she said I was old enough to know that he’s in The Big House. I’m fifteen now, so I know I should know what ‘The Big House’ is, but I didn’t so I just acted like it so my Mom would keep letting me ride my bike across town for LAN jams at Billy’s place.

So I asked Billy what The Big House is, and he laughed and called Chuck a scumbag, and I said, shit no! I figured Billy would know, because he lives in a really big house, like, living in a big house, he would know what The Big House is, like it’s some sort of club or something. After that the kids in school made fun of me for like a week and said my mom is a stupid whore and I said shit no! But that’s all I could do.

Mom hasn’t been hanging out with too many different guys, just this one guy Mitch, who sells cars in the bad part of town. Mitch is a funny guy but he doesn’t really talk to me except to ask for a beer in a wrestling voice kinda mean like Chuck but less funny.

Mitch and my Mom always move furniture like Chuck and my Mom used to, but now they only move furniture for like 5 minutes instead of the hours my Mom and Chuck used to. They still just move it all around the room and wind up putting it back in it's original place.  Actually, I don't know how much furniture moving they can really do in 5 minutes and get it back in place because moving furniture is really tough, especially the way they grunt and groan.

I asked Mitch about why he and my mom only moved furniture for 5 minutes while Chuck and some of the other guys she knows used to move furniture for like an hour, and sometimes her and a couple of guys would all move furniture for like two hours, and my mom would scream and grunt like she was really straining her back (I actually bought her a back brace for Christmas last year because she moves furniture so much and I don’t want her to hurt her back because she’s always yelling like she’s in pain). Mitch didn’t understand what I meant at first but then his face got real red and he stormed out and spun tire in his car and didn’t come back to move furniture for a week but then he did and they only moved furniture for like 5 minutes again then I heard him yelling and he left again.

I guess Mitch doesn’t have the eye for interior decorating that Chuck had, because he doesn’t do it for long and Mom never looks happy after they’re done moving furniture.

So there, Ben, BEEEEOOOOTTTCCCHHH, I wrote your stupid shit article, I hope you like it, come over and play me at BioShock and get pwnd next week, BEEEOOOTTTTCHHHH!!!!!!!
 

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