Cool Joey

by: Joey Shine

Bartender. BARTENDER!!!!

A Jimmie Walker please. Yeah, you know the drill. Three fingers. Oh yeah, and two ice cubes.

Yeah, two ice cubes. I know. I know. The astronaut doctor told me I gotta chill on the drinking, can’t drink Jimmie Walker straight anymore, or he won’t qualify me for space, cuz of my liver, you know girl.

Yeah, it’s a drag.

MMMMM. Jimmie still tastes good though. Here, I’m gonna throw these two cubes on your tray.

Thanks, doll.

Oh. My tab? Oh. Yeah, you know, I’ll get it next week. Nah, NASA doesn’t pay astronauts on the regular, you know? It’s like mileage, space mileage. We get .50 cents a mile like all you unlucky mother fuckers, but when we fly, we fly like 1,000,000 miles a pop, you know?

Yeah, mileage. I’m going to space next week, so when I get back, I’ll get you then. For sure.

Hey. Excuse me. Yeah, you honey lips. How you doing?

Can I buy you a drink?

Pina Colada? Seriously?

WAITRESS! TWO JIMMIE WALKERS!! THREE FINGERS, TWO CUBES!!!!

Here you go doll. This’ll hit ya.

Joey’s my name. Joey Shine. What’s yours?

Barbara? That’s beautiful girl. What do you do for a living?

Fashion designer? No shit. That’s cool girl.

I’m an astronaut, and an inventor.

Nah, girl, for real, an astronaut.

Seriously, girl. Buzz Aldrin made Charles Bukowski look like Clark fucking Gable when they were sitting next to each other at the bar.

Nah, I’m casual, ya know? Most astronauts are. We get all cleaned up and geared up for space travel and for pictures on Wheaties boxes and shit but otherwise are just normal people, ya know?

Thanks, girl.

Aight girl, have a sip. What do you think? Yeah, don’t worry, I used to make that face too.

Yeah, I just sent out for a patent for my invention. Yeah, I think it’s going to pay for my retirement years, ya know? Yeah.

Aight, I’ll tell you, but shit’s patent pending, so don’t try to steal it. You’ll appreciate it cuz your field is similar to the one I’m breaking into.

Have you ever heard of CoolMax? Yeah?

Aight, well just as a refresher, CoolMax is fabric-based moisture management system designed to wisk moisture away from the body and to the surface, thus allowing the wearer to stay cool and dry. Got it?

CoolJoey is also a fabric-based moisture management system, but instead of wisking moisture from inside the clothes outward, it will wisk moisture from the outside in. I’m developing a line of women’s underwear made of CoolJoey.

Disgusting? What’s disgusting is the thousands of women running around with dry-ass panties.

Girl, I thought you’d appreciate the vision. Lemme buy you another drink. I’ll get you your fru-fru Pina Colada, I’ll even make sure they put a fucking umbrella in it.

Aight girl, nice to meet you. If you wanna test a pair of CoolJoey underwear, lemme know. We’re running lab tests right now.

Aight, that’s cool.

Just remember girl, next Tuesday afternoon, look up in the sky, just past the sun, and you’ll see Joey Shine, with Lisa Nowak riding gun rocking a pair of CoolJoey panties!



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