Panty Droppin' Record Reviews!

by Joey Shine, Space Correspondant

Whatsup baby girl. You mind if I sit here? Cool.
WAITRESS!! THREE FINGERS OF JIMMIE WALKER!!!
I’m Joey girl. Joey Shine. What’s your name?
Susie? That’s sweet. You in college, Susie?
That’s cool. I went to Astronaut college. It was crazy hard, girl.
Seriously, it was tough. Way tougher than IUP, girl.

Yeah, this jam is ok. Nah, never heard of em. Yeah, girl, I’m 30. Nah girl, yah know, it’s cool. Nah, I can still party.
Nah, I never heard of that band. Nope. Nah. Did you hear Springsteen’s new album?

Girl, it’s cool. You can come back. Let Joey by you a drink. Ouch! Girl, when you’re stuck in space on a broke-ass shuttle with a rapidly diminishing oxygen supply, don’t expect me to open the hatch for you when you come knocking on the international space station! Bitch!

(Joey Shine proceeds to buy the Rolling Stone featuring the top 50 albums of 2008, intent on listening to all of them so he has a shot at dropping 22 year old college girls’ panties.)
new music.

Rating System:

#28 Album of 2008

Rolling Stone Magazine

#28 Album of 2008

Rolling Stone Magazine

I’m really into local music but dismissed Girl Talk for years because it’s ‘dance’ music.  I hate anything you can dance to. (note: slam dancing is not dancing.  I like music you can slam dance to).  I downloaded this album (legally! it was free on the web or some shit.)  I asked my 21 year old PSU attending cousin if he liked Girl Talk; he said ‘Yeah, he’s cool.  He played here and the kids rioted trying to get into the show.’  That’s a good sign.  The point of this exercise is the find bands that are new, tolerable, and dug by hot 22 year old girls trying to get their panties dropped.  

Girl Talk has been described as ‘mash-up’ but I think it sounds more like music made by a pubescent space alien visiting earth with limited time to gather all the sounds of the planet on one 76 minute CD* to bring back to his home planet, but armed with an almost unlimited supply of Cocaine, Meth, Coffee, Cigarettes, Aderol, blow-job happy strippers, a pound of Ice 2000 weed,  an older couple dressed as clowns having kinky sex, a dog who won’t shut the fuck up, an Airstream trailer painted tie-dye pulled by a VW Bus painted metallic silver, a Confederate War re-enactor, A middle aged somewhat-milfy secretary dressed as Pocahontas, more coke (slightly better quality), access to the worlds greatest music collection, and Pro-Tools.  And a fucking death ray.

*I realize the 'CD' thing is kind of ridiculous, because of course if you've mastered interplanetary space travel, you probably have a better data storage device than a fucking CD.