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Pirates Announce ‘Most
Significant Trade Ever’
AP - Pittsburgh
The Pittsburgh Pirates, the losingist team in professional sports history,
announced a trade this afternoon that rocked Major League Baseball, Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania, and every privately owned company in the world.
Kip Pearson, the Pirates’ senior bat boy, announced the trade in a hastily
assembled press conference behind the all-you-can-eat corn dog stand in left
field.
Kip Pearson, Pirates Senior Bat Boy, with his father, Alp
“After years of trading star players for prospects with fair to middling
potential, the Pittsburgh Pirates have chosen to trade our star ownership and
management group with an intriguing group that displays uncanny skills and great
potential for growth despite a lack of real experience”
Kip Pearson, BB, known for his steady demeanor and consistent bat selection, is
currently the most senior player on the Pirates roster, staying with the team
for 6 consecutive seasons despite being paid only $6.75/hr. Pearson has been
seen panhandling in downtown Pittsburgh through the offseason during the day,
and sleeping under the Ft Pitt tunnel at night, showing his dedication to the
organization.
“I am proud to announce today that we are trading Robert Nutting, Neal
Huntington, and John Russell for the entire 6th grade class at Millones Middle
School in the Hill District neighborhood of Pittsburgh, PA. This class has shown
incredible potential, and we feel that the quality and quantity offered in this
trade was too good to pass up. We are trying to build something here – we aren’t
trying to blow things up. We didn’t get a class in rookie management who are
seven years away from being established owners and managers – in fact, these
kids won the Pittsburgh Public Schools’ ‘Business at School’ contest last year,
netting $17.62 from a Lemonade stand on Bigelow Boulevard.”
"That is a significant loss," Pearson continued. "Our owners and managers wives,
families, and servants are probably going to have a difficult time understanding
this. They're probably going to have a difficult time supporting this, but we
expect them to come out and continue to play hard."
However, to balance the loss felt by owners’ and managements’ loved ones and
indentured servants, a noticeable upsurge in fan and player morale is expected.
"Our belief is that our players are dying to win, and our fans are dying for a
winner and that passion and desire outweighs any attachment to any single owner
or manager," Pearson said. "We are asking them to believe in our process. We are
asking them to believe in us and that these moves we are making -- those last
summer, those now and those in the future -- that they are to make this
organization that consistent championship-caliber team.”
The move surprised none more than the owners and managers of the Pittsburgh
Pirates.
Bob Nutting, Former Pittsburgh Pirates
Owner
“Bullshit.” said Bob Nutting, former owner. “We’re the best fucking owners ever.
Talk about making money? We fleeced yinzers for the better part of 17 years.
Hell, we even overturned a referendum voted on by Allegheny County residents –
we got a tax-payer funded stadium for a shit team based on empty promises – one
of the best parks in the country, for free. Every few years we play a little
shell game, switch ‘management’, talk about ‘rebuilding’ then throw a giant
coke-fueled pool party-orgy with the good-old boys (and girls!) to celebrate how
fucking awesome we are. A few mid-season sprinklings of fireworks, free
t-shirts, and Lynyrd Skynyrd, and yinzers will keep turning the turnstiles and
fattening our wallets. As soon as players start getting too good and talk
contract extension, we trade them off to a bunch of kids, who may, in 5 years,
have a snowball’s chance in hell at…. oh, fuck, that’s what happened to us,
isn’t it?
Kip Pearson, reached for a rebuttal to Nutting’s comments as he was changing
into his street clothes (a burlap sack), said:" We feel like we've gotten a
package of prospects, all with the ceiling to be above-average owners and
managers. Typically there is a marquee player to each trade. In our minds, these
players each brought a certain amount of value and were an important component
in the deal.
"With the previous ownership, as always, we established a value of what we felt
we needed to get in return, and when we get it, we feel like it's time to move."
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