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Performing on
person laying on their back in bed
Your daily planner is perfectly organized. You know what you will be doing
one day, one week, and one year from today. Your hair is neat, clothes are
ironed, and even your mother thinks you’re fucking boring. You like your
beer light and your porn softcore. You blush when people talk about
masturbating. An idea of a ‘wild night’ for you is stopping at happy hour
for two white wine spritzers on a whim.
You perform this stunning feat of sexiness on your partner with the
regularity of a bowel movement; 10:15pm, every night, right after you both
shower. Then you move into standard missionary sex, bang mechanically for
3-7 minutes, say “I love you” then pass out.
The only reason your partner is with you is because he or she is more boring
than you are, which is like comparing cultivating yogurt to drying paint.
You will receive an annual 3-5% raise, get a promotion every 10 years, and
have a long, uneventful life. Your kids will be date rapists, serial
killers, and/or born-again Christians. You will die a boring death, and your
obituary writer will struggle to find 400 words to describe your life –
desperately Googling other obituaries to fill in the blanks.
On knees performing / Person sitting on your face receiving
You are a giver. Every time a bell rings around Christmas, you will drop a
few coins for the Salvation Army. You hate conflict and are open to
suggestions. You like making other people happy with little or no personal
benefit, and are a submissive little bitch.
You willingly, eagerly perform this on anyone willing to receive. Changing
rooms, porta-johns, rest stops, it doesn’t matter. You love to perform and
aren’t afraid to show it. You love to fuck and be fucked. You have some
conscious or subconscious doubts about the size/shape/hairiness/taste/smell
of your nether regions.
There is a good chance you will wind up with a psychically and/or
emotionally abusive spouse who you will continue to pleasure orally in the
manner described above. You will never rise above entry level in any
position, your spouse will die at a young age, and your kids will never give
you any respect. You are adventurous but lame. You will die in a horrific
amusement park accident, riding a ride you were always afraid of.
Performing while receiving hand/finger action from partner
You enjoy doing altruistic things for others but become impatient unless the
benefits of your actions are tangible. You love to travel, see and
experience new things, and take full advantage of the great outdoors. You
are an insatiable nympho.
You love sex, porn, and are a bit of a submissive. If there is a crotch in
your face there better be something going on in or around your downstairs;
if not from your partner you’re handling it yourself. With aplomb. You’ve
been bruised from sex but never bragged about it.
The only way to find true happiness if by finding someone as crippled by
hedonistic desire as you. Investing heavily in sex toys will provide a
temporary fix but only prolong the inevitable – infidelity followed by
gnarly STDs and/or unwanted pregnancy. You work well with others because you
want to fuck most of the people you meet. With the right partner you have
unlimited potential but with the wrong one you will be miserable, broke, and
ridden with STDs. You will live as long as you keep fucking.
69
You are a giver and a firm believer in karma. You are limber, active, and
enjoy any physical activity. You are not naturally competitive but enjoy a
challenge. You love the earth, animals, peace, and crotch on your face while
your crotch is simultaneously buried in face.
You fuck like a champ and your partner does too. You love every aspect of
sex, and every nook and cranny of your partners body. You feel comfortable
enough with yourself to be completely entangled in a mess of limbs, sweat,
and sex. You are embarrassed to tell your friends intimate details about
your sex life because you realize you’re a fucking pervert.
Multiple orgasms multiple times a day are more important than a 401K, your
job, retirement, or even booze. Unless your partner is your complete sexual,
spiritual, and intellectual match, you will have something in common with
our great first president, George Washington – death by syphilis.
Receiving, while giving partner hand/finger action
You are optimistic and outgoing. You seize opportunities when they arise;
sometimes with such gusto others think you are a putz. You are caring and
giving at inappropriate times and have a bit of an ego without reason.
You like sex but not quite enough to put a ton of effort into it. You are
willing to orgasm without bringing your partner to one, and will shrug it
off with an ‘I tried….’ trailing off as you fall blissfully asleep with your
hand on your crotch. Your partner finds sex with you adequate, like a pair
of JcPenny’s slacks.
You will rise as high as middle management then wonder why you can’t rise
any higher; your willingness to put a half-ass ‘effort’ forth to please your
employees while reaping the rewards of their deeds will only infuriate them,
while your managers will think you’re a pussy who wouldn’t hatefuck a school
girl (or boy). Your kids starting salary after college will exceed your
current and they will mock you for it. Your spouse will be bored,
frustrated, and cheating on you with your closest relatives. You will kill
your wife during an intended murder/suicide but puss out before killing
yourself. Your final years will be spent giving blowjobs for cheap smokes
then death by lethal injection.
Laying on your back in
bed receiving
If you thought ‘while watching softcore porn’ would complete the scenario,
go fuck yourself.
You are boring and narcissistic. Worse than being simply boring, you are a
boring asshole. Even dogs hate you. Your sex life isn’t worth mentioning
because you only provide a warm body. If your partner ever realizes
necrophilia is no longer taboo, you’re a ceramic heater away from getting
dumped.
You will live to be 105 in a state of blissful ignorance because that’s how
long boring assholes usually live.
With person on knees performing / You sitting on face receiving
You enjoy the spotlight. You are
cool, confident, good looking, intelligent, and highly successful. You shit
all over others to achieve your goals. Your few friends think that you are a
vain, arrogant fucktard, but like being around you because you have money
and are good looking.
You put no effort into pleasuring your partners. The closest you will ever
come to making love could be classified as ‘nice hatefucking.’ You can only
orgasm while receiving oral and staring in a mirror.
You will make millions of dollars as a high-paying executive, stepping on
family, alleged friends, and lovers on your way up the corporate ladder. You
will marry an equally soulless bitch or bastard who looks great on your arm.
You will be killed by an angry mob in a small East Asian country for having
sex with a twelve year old transvestite prostitute.
Glory Hole
You are adventurous and outgoing. You truly love life and everything in it.
You love the unexpected, be it a surprise birthday, a radical life change,
or a twelve inch penis sliding through a jagged metal hole cut in the stall
divider at a South Park bathroom.
You love dirty, nasty, kinky sex. It is difficult to achieve orgasm
without pushing new boundaries. German triple anal fisting porn seems
'tame'. Your dog is happy you finally ran out of peanut butter.
You will lead what appears to be a boring and mundane life to your
coworkers; your sexlife being so fucked you dare not speak of it or deviate
from societal norms. Your partner will either be as fucked sexually as you
are or completely clueless. You will explore every kink on the planet, and
still find yourself hopelessly bored. You will die of a meth overdose,
dressed as an elephant, during a massive gay furry orgy.
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