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16 Brooklyn Heights
Hipsters Killed in Botched Muammar al-Gaddafi
Assassination Attempts
AP - New York City
Documents obtained by a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette freedom of
information request today revealed a secret C.I.A. program targeting Libyan
dictator Muammar al-Gaddafi inadvertently targeted and killed 16 Brooklyn
Heights hipsters.
On September 23rd, 2009, after giving a rambling, barely coherent speech to
the U.N. General Assembly, former Vice-President Dick Cheney activated a
sleeper cell of CIA Black Ops to kill Gaddafi. A subsection of the Patriot
Act gave Mr. Cheney lifetime control of the CIA Black Ops in case a despotic
dictator praised an ‘American-Hating’ sitting United States president; in
this instance, the praise of President Barack Obama triggered the
assassination order.
In three hours, the Black Ops team assassinated twelve men and four women
matching Muammar al_Gaddafi’s description in the Brookline Heights area. The
team realized they failed when the morning news broadcast showed Mr.
Al-Gaddafi drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon at Enid’s, and did not mention his
assassination. Dick Cheney was pissed.
Brooklyn Heights Hipsters, RIP. Not
Muammar al-Gaddafi
Stu, a Brooklyn Heights resident and ‘film student,’ seemed indifferent when
contacted about the wave of botched assassinations. ‘September 23rd? Let me
check my iPhone.’ He then began tweeting and walked away in a daze.
Muammar al-Gaddafi
Gloria, a Brooklyn Heights resident and
‘film student,’ remembered the night vividly. ‘September 23rd? Yeah, that
was the night I was on Last Night’s Party. It was my first time. It was so
great. Yeah, I noticed a few regulars weren’t there, but it meant more shots
for me."
Brent, Brooklyn Heights Hipster, RIP.
Not Muammar al-Gaddafi
Marshall Von Struckham, father of Brent, a Brooklyn Heights resident and
‘film student,’ learned of his son’s death only by our contacting him. “Oh
my. I checked his balance on his trust fund last week and began to worry; I
called the bar he usually DJs at, and Brent…. I thought it was Brent… was
there… DJing. It must have been another Brent. Oh my.”
Although many communities in America
would be devastated by a loss of so many film students / DJs, Brooklyn
Heights recovered quickly as many aspiring film students moved in, appeared
androgynous, and began DJing and sucking at making film.
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