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AP (GlennBeckistan) –
Glenn Beck dedicated his entire 38 minute long
television show to convincing his loyal followers that Santa Claus is Real,
and is a Socialist. In his usual bombastic style, Glenn used emotion, chalk,
spittle, an old-timey microphone, mismatched clothes, specious arguments,
and numerous references to Goldline Gold Coins to convince.
In anticipation of the backlash against real-life mall santas, extra
security has been provided in rural malls, with mandatory frisking for
anyone wearing confederate attire and/or talking without moving their lips.
A rush transcript was created for the associated press:
Glenn Beck: I have some news. (sobs uncontrollably for five minutes.
Gestures frequently at sky)
Commercial Break. [Three Goldline Gold
Coin Commercials]
Glenn Beck (GB): (sobbing uncontrollably) And we’re back.
GB: I have some news friends. This, this, I believe (sobs uncontrollably for
five minutes)
GB: This could be the most important show I ever put on. This is it. Today I
will tie everything together for you. I am not going to make up your mind,
but I want to give you the facts, and tie them all together, and tell you
the truth. What it means. And what an idiot you are if you don’t believe me,
and buy some Goldline Guaranteed Gold Coins.
GB: In this time of year, when we Christians bathe in the glory that is that
of being the God-chosen children, we sometimes forget what is important
about Christmas – after buying Goldline Guaranteed Gold Coins for our
friends and families, and a few for ourselves for good measure, we need to
remember that Christmas is really about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savor.
GB: (Sneezes) CASH IS KING!
GB: Bless me. Christmas is about our Lord and Savoir, Jesus Christ. We need
to remember Christmas is not all about the gifts Christ received – the gift
of Myrrh, Frankincense, and Goldline Guaranteed Gold coins – but it was
really about him.
GB: NOT ABOUT SANTA!!! (shouting)
GB: Today I will expose Santa for who he really is.
GB: Real.
GB: A Socialist.
GB: We’ll be right back.
Commercial Break. [Three Goldline Gold Coin Commercials]
Glenn Beck: And we’re back. What a great company. Goldline. Amazing they
were there in the year of our lord and savior’s birth, Jesus. That’s right,
folks, Jesus was blessed with Goldline Guaranteed Gold Coins on the day he
was born. They are that, well, blessed. . (sobs uncontrollably for five
minutes)
GB: SANTA CLAUS! (moves to chalkboard)
GB: SANTA!
GB: RED SUIT!
GB: RUDOLPH!
GB: BESTIALITY! |
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GB: (sobs uncontrollably for five minutes)
GB: BILL AYERS!
GB: REAL!
GB: SANTA!
GB: SATAN!
GB: REAL!
GB: SANTA!
GB: RED SUIT!
GB: COMMUNISM!
GB: MAO!
GB: REAL!
GB: SOCIALIST!
GB: SANTA!
GB: ELVES!
GB: NAMBLA!
GB: COOKIES!
GB: REAL!
GB: ELVES!
GB: GIFTS!
GB: SOCIALISM!
GB: We’ll be right back folks. (eyes
welling up with tears)
Commercial Break. [Three Goldline Gold Coin Commercials]
GB: (sobs uncontrollably for five minutes)
GB: God, I love this country. Thanks for listening folks. I’m not saying
Santa is Real and A Socialist; but I am saying if you don’t get that Santa
is Real and a Socialist, you’re a fucking idiot. God Bless you.
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